The Joys of Private Bathrooms

By Jinye Liu on March 24, 2017

Three of the Five Bathrooms

Imagine strolling through campus after a meal, between class shifts, or with friends, only to have the overwhelming urge to pull down your pants and do your business. All too often, the ideal situation for me is to be alone while doing a number two — after all, I don’t want anyone hearing or smelling the Mexican food I had last night.

But because school bathrooms are public, it is difficult to locate an empty restroom and indulge in privacy. That is why I have made this comprehensive guide scored based on five key criteria, listed below.

Location: The location of the bathroom relative to the campus and within the building.

Time convenience: The hour of the day. The earlier or later the hour is, the lower the score.

Time constraint: The length of your stay in the bathroom before your ears are treated to the creaking sound of the door opening and the shuffling of a stranger’s footsteps.

Volume: The number of people that visit the bathroom daily. The greater the volume, the lower the score.

Without further ado, here are the five best bathrooms to drop a deuce in at the University of North Carolina at Chapel Hill.

1. 2nd Floor, Murray Hall

Location: 10

Time Convenience: 8

Time Constraint: 8

Volume: 9

Overall Rating: 8.75/10

Aesthetics (unranked): 7/10

The bathroom in 2nd floor Murray Hall can only be described as a scarce gem. This building is located in the middle of campus for equal access to anyone in UNC’s 729 acres. The bathroom itself is tucked away into an isolated corner of the building. In order to access this bathroom, you have to traverse to the very corner of the ever-shrinking width of the hallways until you reach what seems to be a dead end. There, on your left, is another hallway that is much darker and ominous — in fact, most people veer away from this hallway because, to the untrained eye, it looks closed and restricted.

2. 1st Floor, Hill Hall

Location: 4

Time Convenience: 6

Time Constraint: 9

Volume: 9

Overall Rating: 7/10

Aesthetics (unranked): 8/10

Hill Hall was just recently remodeled at the beginning of Fall 2017, transforming from a derelict music building to a fancier work of art that stands parallel to Roman architecture. The building is excruciatingly spacious and can hold much more students than there currently is at any one point of given time.

3. 1st Floor, Hyde Hall

Location: 4

Time Convenience: 7

Time Constraint: 7

Volume: 8

Overall Rating: 6.5/10

Aesthetics (unranked): 9/10

The only major drawback of Hyde Hall is that it is on the outskirts of campus; the bathroom borders Franklin Street. Students who live in South Campus would have to walk over 20 minutes just to access this bathroom. However, the interior is nothing shy of perfect. White marble constitutes the counters plated with gold handles. The lighting is dim, and traffic flow is minimal, even in the early afternoon.

4. Top of Lenoir

Location: 9

Time Convenience: 3

Time Constraint: 5

Volume: 8

Overall Rating: 6.25/10

Aesthetics (unranked): 4.5/10

The bathroom at the Top of Lenoir is a bit tricky. I only recommend the toilets here if you are an early morning person. The dining hall opens at 7 a.m., but be careful — this is not the time you want to show. Most of the employees who work at Lenoir take advantage of this time. Instead, you want to wait until around 7:20 to 7:30 a.m. This is the time to strike.

5. Downstairs Union

Location: 8

Time Convenience: 4

Time Constraint: 6

Volume: 6

Overall Rating: 6/10

Aesthetics (unranked): 5/10

The bathroom in the basement of the Union deserves a higher time convenience rating because there is still zero traffic even when it gets close to 8 a.m. Time constraint also deserves a higher score because fewer people take the time to run down a flight of stairs in the morning just to do their business.

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